Justice Kagan: Come out of the closet!!!

Today, I was watching CNN's coverage of Elena Kagan's confirmation, and, as I saw image after image of the diminutive Justice-to-be, standing in the long shadow of just about every other human in her vicinity, I had a stunning realization: This woman is no ordinary Jewish legal genius. My instincts told me that Elena Kagan is actually a fellow Helfan!

I jumped on the computer to confirm my suspicion that Ms. Kagan was sired by a little person who didn't stick around long enough to be a father to her (in other words, an elf masquerading as a human). To my dismay, I read that her father was very much in the picture throughout her life, and since no mention was made of his height, I had to assume he was not unusually sized.

At that point, my despair was as heavy as my bubbe's matzoh balls. Could it possibly be that *gasp* my helfandar had failed me for the first time? I decided to do more research. Can you believe that there's not a single picture of Daddy Kagan anywhere on the Internet? As the youngsters say these days, "Woot, woot!" Clearly, this has gotta be a massive cover-up. I'm telling you: she is a Helfan sistah with a different mistah!

Justice Kagan, I urge you to come out of the closet and proudly declare your Helfanity to the world! Don't hide anymore. It's 2010. It's about time that the Supreme Court became truly inclusive -- not just of different genders and races, but also of specieseses!



And maybe you could nudge your new colleague, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, to come out of the closet, too? 'Cuz girl, no way that chick is human!